Tuesday, 12 April 2011

One of life's fears...

Well, I touched on it last post, my mother has something wrong with her. She told me this on Mothers Day (how apt); she sat me down and said, "look there's something I need to tell you". No one likes hearing those sorts of words. She said she'd had stomach pains which had gone now, but the doctors in France were pretty concerned (they're very thorough over there) and ran some tests. She has lymph glands in her abdomen that are abnormal.. anyway today was the day she had an appointment back here in London, and it seems that she may indeed have some form of lymphoma. They'll be doing a biopsy in a couple of weeks. My mum sounded quite positive on the phone, and obviously there's no way of knowing yet what sort of lymphoma (if that's what it is), how aggressive etc.

But when she first broke the news on Mothers Day, I was confronted with one of life's fears, one that I haven't really even articulated fully in my head, too horrible is the thought: losing a parent. Now, our family is pretty small, minute even. No dad around (he nicely left before I was born), no siblings, my grandmother died in 2004 and my mother has no siblings either! Other members are scattered around the globe, mainly in California I believe. So this is pretty major for me- I keep thinking about everything she knows about me, she really is the only person on this earth who knows me, really. And being just a mother and daughter we're obviously close. So strange thoughts enter my head- who would I talk to about x,y,z? What about our house in France, that my mother has finally turned into a beautiful home after years of saving and improvements? Who else would I speak French to? Or talk about past memories and events and our heritage? I would feel, horribly and utterly, alone.

When people are no longer here in the flesh, we're only left with memories and objects (I am not a religious person). Today I wore one of my mum's old rings for luck, it's silver with a round amber stone. Looking through my box of trinkets, I have a coral necklace of my grandmother's that used to smell like her (Ellnet hairspray, Giorgio perfume). Just some objects which have come to represent a whole person, who they were, where they came from, what they did, which is an immense amount of things. I find it quite scary, that's all that's left behind along with memories, which are by nature intangible and fragile.
Because I'm not ready yet. My mum is 63, I am 24. I want any children I have to have a grandmother, someone who can tell them where they came from on this side of the family, places I've not been to.

Okay, no more gloomy posts.


  1. really like your blog :)
    I am your new follower, visit my new blog and be my follower :)

    have a nice days

  2. Hi, first time stop by yr blog!! I love yr Blog. Have followed you, do you mind follow my blog as well?


  3. Oh honey, I'm sorry things are tough right now. I really hope everything turns out ok. (ps, guess which commenters didn't even read your post! 'Rachelous: my mum is sick and I'm sad Commenter: Iloveyourblogpleasefollowmyblog!' So impolite.)

  4. I hope you're doing ok despite everything that's going on!
    Best wishes for you and your mum,

    Rosie x

  5. beautiful post. I feel so sorry for you. My family is pretty much all over the place too: my parents have some siblings but they live in Holland and we never see them. My brothers live in America and Holland, my dad lives an hour driving away and my mom half an hour. Sometimes that makes me feel very alone. Like I am really the only person I can count on. That's growing up I guess? I hope everything turns out alright with your mom. Enjoy every minute you can with her!

  6. You and your Mum are in my thoughts <3

  7. Oh darling, I'm ever so sorry :( my boyfriend lost his Mum this time last year & it was incredibly hard for him - though it's important to remember that this is in no way a guarantee that you'll lose her. Stay strong! That'll be more helpful to her than any medicine money can buy :) thinking of you xx

  8. Oh no so sorry to hear about you, I really do hope its nothing serious. Ill be thinking of you.
    I am an only child too so I know how your feeling. Ill have no one if I lost both my mum and dad. Its a horrible thought.

  9. I hope everything turns out ok. I only live with my mom and I dont know what I would do without her either! You and I are the same age and it's like we should be adult about these kind of things but there is that feeling where your mom will always just be your mom!! You feel the same for her now as you did when your were little! And you'd feel as lost without her know as you would have been when you were little too! Damn emotions hey ;) I hope your mom is a-ok


  10. i'll be thinking of you & your mum xxx

  11. I hope everything turns out well; I can't imagine being in your situation right now but I really feel for both you and your mother! Keep your head up :) ♥

  12. I hope your mum is okay. Such a touching set of words you've written here. Sobering indeed.

  13. Oh no, I'm so very sorry. As I'm lucky enough to be spending time with my mum right now, it makes your stomach lurch thinking of how one day you might not be able to. Take care and sending you and your mum lots of hugs and love xxx

  14. I'm so sorry to hear that... it's much to soon and such a scary thought... at least it sounds as if they've discovered it early and I very much hope she'll be all right. Lots of luck.xxx

  15. hugs! <3 i really hope it all works out okay xx

  16. Sorry to hear about your lovely mom.
    Sending up some big ones for you guys.
    We are all awaiting medical news this week of my lovely sister in law.
    Take care thinking of you both,

  17. Hi chicken, I wasn't sure of your email address so hope you get to read this comment. I'm not sure how much blog reading you are doing at the moment, but you have won the Royal Wedding knitting book :) If you could email me to let me know your address I'll get it posted to you asap. Hope everything is going ok xx

  18. So sorry darling:( My thoughts are with you and are hoping for the very best for you and your mom. Best wishes, Marisa

  19. oh my gosh, I really have no words, I couldnt even imagine what you are going through. I hope all goes well, and im not religious either but sometimes in times like these you need small things to hold onto for reassurance. Im so sorry for your bad news. xo

  20. Hey Rachel - thought I was following you already, sorry! Thanks for your commet and I agree, too much studded leather just DOES NOT COMPUTE!

    And I'm really sorry that your Mum's not well :( I'm sure she'll be OK regardless of what it turns out to be - sounds like she's done the best thing and had it checked out ASAP.

    Believe me, I know it's a really scary thought to imagine losing a parent. When mine divorced when I was 7 I suffered badly from anxiety, panic attacks and night terrors where I would imagine either my mum or my dad (or both) dying in a horrendous accident and I'd be left all alone. It was a really horrible scary time, and even now the thought of losing one or both of them fills me with dread. I'm not sure how to cope with it, other than trying to rationalise the situation and not letting your fears run away with your sanity I guess.

    Anyway, much love! xx

  21. D:
    You're gonna make me cry in a minute.
    I have my fingers crossed for you.

  22. i'm so sorry! i hope she gets better. i don't know what i would do if i lost my mother. by the way, i looked over your other posts and you are so beautiful, a vintage bella!

  23. Aww gosh hope she's okay, and gets better. I'm sure everything will turn out okay in some way or another.

    Thanks for the loveley comment, sorry for the late reply but I've got a new post up now :)

  24. Je suis hyper triste de voir ce qui t'arrive. Même si je ne te connais pas sache que tu as toute mon amitié. Je n'ai jamais perdu quelqu'un de proche et je n'ose même pas imaginer ce que cela peut faire. Je ne sais pas si tu l'es mais je suis assez croyante et cela me permet de tenir le coup quand les gens disparaissent (des amis sont morts).
    Cela peut te paraitre bizarre mais si tu as besoin de parler je t'en prie n'hésite pas. (tu peux me rajouter sur fb au besoin : Capucine de Chocqueuse).
    Je pense beaucoup à toi et vais prier et penser fort à ta maman aussi.
    Je t'embrasse.

  25. very sorry dear, many positive thoughts are going out to you right now <3 you are a lovely writer and I love visiting your blog!


  26. oh sweetie this is so sad to hear.
    I hope shes doing okay as are you. I would be frigtened aswell, just remember you're not alone.


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