Thursday, 30 June 2011

Take me anywhere, I don't care

I've been feeling relatively low these past few days, for various reasons. I don't know if a public blog is the best place to air these sorts of feelings, but then my blog has never just been about pretty photos or outfit photos alone. (skip entirely if heavy thoughts aren't your thing)

1. My mum wanted me to see a clinical psychologist at the hospital where she's being treated, to discuss any fears/feelings I have about her going through treatment, and having the big C. I at first agreed to go along with what she wanted, but as the appointment date neared, I realised I really didn't want to go. I cancelled and told my mum, leaving her feeling vaguely disappointed in me. Therapy is something she has benefited from before, but it's really not me. I had a horrible experience when I was about 14, when my mum thought I should talk to people because I wasn't enjoying school and had "split up" with a friendship group.. well that didn't turn out well, I clammed up and of course I didn't need some condescending people thinking I was special and had no friends. Anyway, I think therapy is a personal choice, and so far in my life, unburdening myself to a stranger who either listens or suggests ways for coping, is really not my thing. For me, the worst time was when we weren't sure what was wrong with my mum, and like I wrote in a post a while back, coming to terms with the idea that your parents are mortal and that losing them becomes a reality. I confided in a friend from work whose mum also had cancer, and in a couple of close friends. Since my mum got diagnosed it's so far being (touch wood) relatively straight forward- blood test, appointments, chemo, in a well oiled process that just becomes normal after a few weeks.

2. I've ended up cancelling two job interviews, because they were during the day, meaning I'd have to take a whole half day off work/come up with an excuse/lose half a day's pay, but mainly because I'm not in the right frame of mind. It's hard to explain, but I can sell myself on paper extremely well- even in the current crazy job market, I can get 3-5 interviews from around 15-20 applications- but in person, I'm a no-go. My voice sounds strained, flat, I stutter over my words.. basically I'm just not me. No matter how many people tell me I CAN do it, how long I prepare, rehearse, build myself up, I crumble in the face to face moment, sitting across a far-too-large table with a glass of water between me and two cunning harpies (umm no, but it seems like it). And now I feel even more trapped in the job I'm in with (seemingly) no chance of escape.

3. Well I suppose there's a silver lining- I'm turning 25 on Sunday and should be getting a new camera, here's a last hurrah of blurry photos from the old one.

IMG_1963

IMG_1968

IMG_1964
(Top: Primark)

27 comments:

  1. Your top is super pretty, I think that I have a top very similar to it!

    I know you say you crumble in interviews, but are you judging yourself too harshly? I know in situations like that I have a heightened sense of self consciousness, and maybe I think I'm coming off worse than I actually am. I hope that you do find a new job soon though, it seem so frustrating having one you don't like yet feeling trapped in it, I can sympathise with having to take time off though, especially in London where it's so expensive and all money counts.

    About your mum; I'm so sorry to hear what she is going through with the illness, I know what it's like having a loved one go through it, because someone close to me has it at the moment, but sometimes it gives us comfort to know that they're in the hands of professionals.

    On a lighter note thoughm happy birthday for sunday, and I look forward to the pictures taken on the new camera :-).

    Sarah
    xx

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  2. Interviews are so difficult and I understand that you're not in the right frame of mind for them at the moment. I think once things look a little better then you can concentrate on jobs but at the moment I guess there are more important things to worry about. I'm really sorry to hear about your mum but I'm glad that treatment etc is going ok.

    I definitely think airing your thoughts on your blog is a great idea, it's just another form of therapy many say. It feels good to sometimes get things out in the open.

    Hope everything goes well for you and happy birthday!

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  3. Sorry that things aren't great at the moment. Job hunting is really hard and you already have so much to deal with. Don't be too hard on yourself x

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  4. aw i really hope you feel better. it is tough out there, hapiness comes from within though. find the things that make you happy and don't let anything else get you down!

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  5. Sorry you are down. I hope you feel better soon. x

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  6. I hope it gets better, sweetie... :/

    p.s. your headband is marvelous!

    http://myfashioninsider.blogspot.com/

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  7. I love the pattern of your top, it's so bright and pretty!
    About the heavy thoughts; don't worry. Everyone goes through similar disheartenings and you can eventually pull through! You have us great bloggers to lean on!
    Keep smiling, lovely.
    xoxo
    www.avenuemaria.blogspot.com

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  8. Love both the top and head band. I'm sorry to hear about the way you have been feeling. I think it is fine to open up on your blog, I do it all the time. I respect that you have the courage to share it with us especially since there is so much support within the blogger community. It is definitely a personal choice about what is best for you so if a psychologist is not for you then that is totally fine.

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  9. I'm sorry you are so upset):
    You are amazing and I'm sorry you have to feel this way.

    Cheer up, love. You are wonderful.
    xoxo

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  10. You look beautiful.
    I'm lacking words, but sending lots of love your way xo

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  11. Oh no sorry to hear your feeling a bit low. I think it's fine to open up on your blog, sometimes everyone needs a little vent. Its easier to say it over here then it is to a real person. I find that anyway.
    You look beautiful in that top, it looks so lovely on you.
    Sophie
    x

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  12. great post, really like these pictures ;) I am your new follower, visit my new blog and be my follower if you want:
    http://thefashion-berries.blogspot.com/

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  13. I'm totally the same with interviews! I'm really clammy, stuttering my words... basically I don't bother with my career now because a) I'm bored with it and b) I know that I won't get re-employed...

    Oh and with your therapy thing - I was the same when I was 14 with no friends. They thought couselling would be best but I knew straight away that no-one would understand ME. Hence, after years trying to please mother (and not getting any satisfaction myself) I'm re-surfacing my feelings and getting them down in songs. I just hope this way people get to know the real me.

    Sorry for blabbering on....! (and yeah yesterday's post on my blog is on the same track as yours!!)
    x

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  14. Thinking of you and your mom and sending positive, well wished your way!!

    xo
    Janelle

    www.janellehaskin.etsy.com

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  15. I agree, interviews are not my strong suit. I'm great on paper but extremely shy so I know that clamming up feeling. The more you interview the better you get at it..definitely takes time, but don't fret you will eventually land the right job:)
    Definitely thinking about you & your mom. My heart & best wishes go out to you. Happy birthday (early)!!! Your headband &top are gorgeous:)

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  16. I am so pleased I came across your blog, have just been reading through your archives, love it. Sorry you're having a tough time at the moment, I can relate to the job hunting dilemma, I recently lost one of my jobs and have had an onslaught of rejections after interviewing for new jobs, it can be overwhelming sometimes. Just have to keep on truckin.

    I understand your feelings towards therapy too, I used to have therapy for an eating disorder when I was younger, I recovered from it, but I think it was due to where my life was going at the time, not the therapy. You have to do what makes you comfortable, I personally write in my diary, but everyone's different :)

    Sorry for the essay-style comment! And hope you have a great 25th! (I turned 25 in Feb, scary age huh!)

    xx

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  17. I'm sorry you've got so much to deal with at the moment. I went through it with my mum too, and here we are on the other side, so hold on! You'll get through it too. As for interviews, maybe you could try being up front and say, "look, I don't interview well but I want to convey how well I know I can do this job" Interviewers are (sometimes) human too.

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  18. Happy early 25th birthday in case I don't get around to it! I hope you enjoy your weekend celebrating!

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  19. Your posts about your mothers treatment have really got me thinking about my relationship with my mother. My mother and I don't really have a relationship. We have formalities where we see each other on holidays and ect but that's about it...she signs all of her emails to me with "all the best" instead of the normal "Love, xoxox". So every time I read about how your mother is going, I wonder how I would feel in your place...

    As for therapy, I am at a cross roads with this. I suffer from terrible anxiety and potentially post traumatic stress disorder. I would love to get help but I find the whole concept of therapy really intimidating and stressful. The fact that you are paying a person to listen to your problems and care kind of feels like going to a prostitute or something along those lines...so I just can't see myself doing it.

    Also, I love that you share your thoughts and what's really going on in your life, it makes you seem normal and real.

    Love
    Harlow
    xoxox

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  20. If therapy isn't for you then don't beat yourself up about it. It sounds like it'd potentially be more upsetting to go and that can't be a good thing. I can see how your mum might see it as a positive idea but as long as she knows your reasons for not going, I'm sure she won't be disappointed.

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  21. this top is so pretty. just perfect for summer.
    do you remember the price?

    BTW, I’m your big fan – your style is really original and I read your blog very often and I just wonder..if we could follow each other.. But even if your answer is “no” I’ll be still your reader ♥

    xoxo

    chocarome.blogspot.com

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  22. great photos!! i love your dress and head piece <3

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  23. Nice top!

    http://initialed.blogspot.com

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  24. The dress print is so darling <3

    x
    Lost in the Haze

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  25. You have an awful lot to deal with, to process and to think about at the moment, and maybe what you're actually saying here is that you want to do it in your own time. Maybe later you might want to talk to someone (therapy can be such a loaded word) who will simply help to reflect back to you what your feelings are and how you are responding. But there's no right or wrong way.

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  26. love your otufit...all. if you want we can follow each other.thanks.
    xoxo mininuni
    mininuni.blogspot.com

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thank you, I love reading your pretty words <3