I've been feeling relatively low these past few days, for various reasons. I don't know if a public blog is the best place to air these sorts of feelings, but then my blog has never just been about pretty photos or outfit photos alone. (skip entirely if heavy thoughts aren't your thing)
1. My mum wanted me to see a clinical psychologist at the hospital where she's being treated, to discuss any fears/feelings I have about her going through treatment, and having the big C. I at first agreed to go along with what she wanted, but as the appointment date neared, I realised I really didn't want to go. I cancelled and told my mum, leaving her feeling vaguely disappointed in me. Therapy is something she has benefited from before, but it's really not me. I had a horrible experience when I was about 14, when my mum thought I should talk to people because I wasn't enjoying school and had "split up" with a friendship group.. well that didn't turn out well, I clammed up and of course I didn't need some condescending people thinking I was special and had no friends. Anyway, I think therapy is a personal choice, and so far in my life, unburdening myself to a stranger who either listens or suggests ways for coping, is really not my thing. For me, the worst time was when we weren't sure what was wrong with my mum, and like I wrote in a post a while back, coming to terms with the idea that your parents are mortal and that losing them becomes a reality. I confided in a friend from work whose mum also had cancer, and in a couple of close friends. Since my mum got diagnosed it's so far being (touch wood) relatively straight forward- blood test, appointments, chemo, in a well oiled process that just becomes normal after a few weeks.
2. I've ended up cancelling two job interviews, because they were during the day, meaning I'd have to take a whole half day off work/come up with an excuse/lose half a day's pay, but mainly because I'm not in the right frame of mind. It's hard to explain, but I can sell myself on paper extremely well- even in the current crazy job market, I can get 3-5 interviews from around 15-20 applications- but in person, I'm a no-go. My voice sounds strained, flat, I stutter over my words.. basically I'm just not me. No matter how many people tell me I CAN do it, how long I prepare, rehearse, build myself up, I crumble in the face to face moment, sitting across a far-too-large table with a glass of water between me and two cunning harpies (umm no, but it seems like it). And now I feel even more trapped in the job I'm in with (seemingly) no chance of escape.
3. Well I suppose there's a silver lining- I'm turning 25 on Sunday and should be getting a new camera, here's a last hurrah of blurry photos from the old one.